A note to my three sons

Dear Julian, Maximilian, and Ian:

I have done you a disservice. I know full-well how to make billions, yet I poorly applied myself in the pursuit of your comfort. I hope you can forgive me my laziness. If not, I hope you can grab the golden ring for yourself. Not in industry, mind you. Use your momma's natural good looks and go into politics.

I present to you three cases: Al Gore, Barrack Obama, and the Clintons. Al Gore turned a modest inheritance (for which he was tax-exempted through certain agricultural loopholes including tobacco farming which he may or may not have had a hand in crafting) into a fortune of nearly $1 billion by parlaying his Vice-Presidential cache into carbon-crusader bravado in a global push to convince people to abandon their wealth/lifestyle in favor of Mother Earth. Barrack Obama was a community activist who got elected Senator and then made $4 million before he was president (Senator salaries were $174,000 that year). For earnings AFTER the presidency, look no farther than the Clintons - they made $108 million in 8 years as a public servant (Senator from New York) and a retired public servant.

Thus, I present to you the 5 ways in which I believe you can make your fortune:

1. Titan of industry (forget it - this is hard work and might land you in jail if the government thinks you make too much money)
2. Hedge fund trader (I discourage this as well since it almost certainly comes with a drug addiction)
3. Lottery winner (this includes the genetic lottery known as inheritance, and in either case you have about a 1:32,000,000 chance of getting any money at all...and the government will take about half)
4. Ponzi scheme (although you are probably better off starting a religion since it is basically the same thing - see Scientology and Kaballah for more details)
5. Elected official

Go forth, sons! Be fruitful! Multiply! Your Q-score, that is. Smile into the camera, do nothing of real value, spend my tax dollars on Quixotic 'policies' and reap the financial rewards that are your due. Make me proud.

Love,

Your short-sighted Father

Extremely Useless information

I should be working, but this thought crossed my mind when driving back from a rare lunch with Amy (and Max).

Here is the O'Neal "Memory Quality" formula:

MQ = A + [1 / exp (x/31.25 - 1)^3 ] - [1 / Ln (x)]

where MQ = memory quality, A = 0 if you have Alzheimers and 0.25 otherwise, and x = years

This means the quality of your memory is a moving window, thereby confirming my earlier suspicion that 'nostalgia' is a moving target and your "classics" are your kids' "oldies":

• MQ is "like yesterday" if x<5
• MQ is "recently" if 5<10
• MQ is "a dim memory" if 10<30
• MQ is "nostalgia" if 30<50
• MQ is "befuddlement" if 75<50
• MQ is "either a lie or read directly from a history book" if x>75

As noted below, babies have zero MQ until about 1 or so. Your life has been bettered. You are welcome.

More Seuss Musings

Although I have only read 19 of Dr. Seuss' 48 books, I notice that he has fish in 9 of them. 232 fish, in fact. 22 are in the air and most look alike. So much alike that the pet fish in "Bartholomew Cubbins and the Oobleck" is identical to the pet fish in "The Cat in the Hat," which is a good thing since he seems to have lost his role of antagonist by the sequel (there are no fish at all "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back"). Must have been a contract dispute...

Turtles seem to be another theme, although in much fewer books (3 in my set of readings). Birds are another dominant theme: the Mayzie Bird drawing figures heavily in books before 1960. However, the bird types are so varied from book-to-book it is tough to claim thematic primacy the way the repeated fish does. Additionally, birds seem to morph into generalized "beaked creatures" like the Sneetches as we get into the 60's and beyond. I don't think the fish or the bird has any special meaning - having a single template for an animal type probably saved illustration time.

Some places are repeated as well. Many books take place in archetypal surroundings: forests and mid-century US city streets before 1960; bizarre, spare planes with upward-tufted trees after 1960. More importantly, a few "universes" appear to exist:

• The Jungle of Nool: "Horton Hatches the Egg," "Horton Hears a Who," and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (which is in the Jungle of Nool by default since it involves Whoville).
• The Kingdom of Didd: "The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins" and "Bartholomew Cubbins and the Oobleck."
• Sally and her Brother's House: "The Cat in the Hat," The Cat in the Hat Comes Back," The Cat in the Hat Song Book," "The Cat's Quizzer," "I Can Read with My Eyes Shut," and "Daisy-Head Mayzie."

All of this information is useless, of course, but if you read these stories over and over again you understand where I am coming from...a little place called crazy.

Maybe The Dojo Is Not Quitting

Maybe it will just be a really long time between entries and they won't be so clever...

I read Julian some more Dr. Seuss books over the weekend, bringing my total up to 24. I started to think that Horton Hatches the Egg is pretty close to a perfect children's book and There's A Wocket in My Pocket is pretty close to pure tripe. Thus, I thought I would list my favorite Seuss books in order, as well as those I have not read (in order of preference).

Books and stories I have read, in order of preference (anything after 16 is on my 'no repeat read' list):

1. Horton Hatches the Egg
2. Horton Hears a Who!
3. Fox in Socks
4. The Cat in the Hat
5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
6. McElligot’s Pool
7. Green Eggs and Ham
8. Yertle the Turtle
9. Dr. Seuss’s ABC: An Amazing Alphabet Book!
10. The Sneetches
11. And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street
12. The Big Brag
13. Bartholomew and the Oobleck
14. Too Many Daves
15. Hop on Pop
16. Gertrude McFuzz
17. What was I Scared of?
18. The Lorax
19. The Butter Battle Book
20. The Cat in the Hat Comes Back
21. The Zax
22. I Can Read with My Eyes Shut!
23. The Foot Book
24. There’s a Wocket in My Pocket

Books I have not read, in order of preference (the first 12 are pretty much the only ones I still find interesting):

1. Oh, The Places You’ll Go
2. I had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew
3. Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose
4. If I ran the Zoo
5. If I ran the Circus
6. The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins
7. The King’s Stilts
8. I Am NOT Going To Get Up Today!
9. You’re Only Old Once!: A Book For Obsolete Children
10. Scrambled Eggs Super!
11. The Seven Lady Godivas
12. Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now!
13. Great Day for Up!
14. Happy Birthday to You!
15. Mr. Brown can Moo! Can You?: Dr. Seuss’s Book of Wonderful Noises!
16. Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book
17. Hunches in Bunches
18. Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?
19. The Shape of Me and Other Stuff
20. I can Lick 30 Tigers Today! And Other Stories
21. Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!
22. Oh Say Can You Say?
23. The Cat in the Hat Song Book
24. On Beyond Zebra!
25. My Book about ME
26. The Cat’s Quizzer
27. I Can Draw it Myself, by Me Myself

No interest in any book not illustrated by Dr. Seuss, especially the ones attributed to Theo. LeSieg and Rosetta Stone.

Sorry - not too clever. Just thought I would write down my preference as if it means something (which it doesn't). Adios, dear readers.

Quitting the Dojo

My time seems to be taken up by Eco Risk Markets and 3 kids. I'm going to have to shut the Dojo down for the time being. Sorry.

Updates and such

Like Bret Favre, I grew a beard:

Also, like Bret Favre, I 'retired.' I announced my retirement from KPMG a couple of Fridays ago and it becomes effective Nov 2. With my current pension levels, I believe I am entitled to $35 a month from now until I die. So...like Bret Favre, I will be coming out of retirement soon and will let you know what path I choose. Unlike Bret Favre, I will not go to Deloitte, E&Y, or PWC (collectively, the Big 4's Minnesota Vikings to KPMG's Green Bay), but I will still need to come out of retirement soon. Also unlike Bret Favre, I cannot throw a spiral or do anything else remotely athletic. Or film a blue jeans commercial. Or make a tongue-in-cheek electronic store commercial. Or pretty much anything other than grow a beard.

But enough about me. Here's Max at his second pumpkin patch! One at a time, ladies. One at a time...

A story by Julian

Julian: [sits up midway through night-time story reading and says] "I lost a tooth."

Brian: "No, you didn't. You think that because it just happened on Max and Ruby. You're not a bunny."

Julian: "My cousin lost her tooth." [meaning Ella]

Brian: "She's five. You're too young, don't worry about it."

Julian: "I'm five."

Brian: "You're three. "

Julian: "But I lost a tooth. See?" [points to where his wisdom teeth aren't]

Brian: "You haven't lost any teeth, they just haven't grown yet. Back to story time, OK?"

Julian: "I lost a tooth and threw it out the window"

Brian: "Really? Then I could climb out the window and get it for you, right?"

Julian: "No. Aliens grabbed it from the Tooth Fairy."

Brian: "Aliens?"

Julian: "Yes. They grabbed it from the Tooth Fairy and said [scrunching his face] 'TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-WEED-ER.'"

Brian: "Your leader?"

Julian: "Yes. 'TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-WEED-ER.'"

Brian: "And did you?"

Julian: "Yes."

Brian: "Who is your leader?"

Julian: "Grandmomma."

Brian: "And what did she do?"

Julian: "They said 'TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-WEED-ER' and took the tooth from the tooth fairy. Then Grandmomma CHOPPED THEIR HEADS OFF and took the tooth. Because she chopped their heads off."

Brian: "Does that mean Grandmomma has the tooth now?"

Julian: "Yes."

Moral of the story: Jane O'Neal has little to no tolerance for teeth-stealing aliens